Have you ever discovered on subconscious belief, only to discover a flood of others to unravel in succession?

Have you ever discovered one subconscious belief, only to discover a flood of others to unravel in succession?

Like spilling spaghetti sauce all over, you start to realize those beliefs cover everything.  Every crevice, nook and cranny.  For example, the early childhood memory that you think is isolated to that one incident is actually effected by the way something else is held in your mind, and so on.  Always another layer to uncover.

Before the overwhelm starts to kick in, because how do we instate disaster cleanup  to the massive “hurricane” of destruction our limiting beliefs have created?? The job seems too massive for even the mightiest of forces to ever fully restore.

I have personally never experienced a natural disaster on a massive scale, but my internal world has.  Just like with any natural disaster, What if the terrain of our internal world isn’t supposed to “go back” to its original state?   Back to those supposedly shiny beliefs and stories that we’ve hoped for in our childhood?  What if there is a more beautiful, expansive creation happening from that internal storm?  What if what we think we wanted is just child’s play compared to what our soul is creating for us through this turbulence?  What if the storm itself, or fire or what have you, is the very thing creating the beauty on the other side?  What if the chaos is the first step to breaking down the superficial structures in our mind?  To rebuild something more brilliant?

As with any natural disaster, new life starts to form on the other side, sprigs of green start to grow, the landscape becomes new.  Often in its place, new structures, new ideas, even better creations start to emerge.  Something comes of the mess, chaos and confusion.  Eventually the sky clears, our mind and heart start to see more fully and we realize that the storm was always part of our story to begin with, and without it, how would we ever expand into something greater? It is our catalyst to our souls greatest desire.  Painful, yet purposeful.

That feeling of being grounded...

That feeling of being grounded… It’s a feeling that you can’t quite describe to someone until you actually achieve it yourself.  It’s like trying to describe salt to someone who’s never tasted it… How do you describe it? It isn’t something you can tell the mind. You have to experience it through the body. It is a visceral.  You can’t be grounded for someone else, and they can’t be grounded for you, just like eating right or working out… someone else can’t do these things for you.

I think most people in today’s society only feel this feeling at fleeting moments and sometimes I wonder if today’s teens even know what it feels like at all.  With our attention being drawn to and fro with the internet, meetings, school, kids appointments, traffic, relationship stressors, big T and little T traumas, hormones being imbalanced and so much more… often times we don’t even know WHAT a grounded feeling is or what we are even looking in that feeling.  We operate in high functioning fight or flight, on hyperdrive most of the time.  I’m talking from personal experience.  Especially after experiencing the trauma of loosing my spouse, I’ve had stress and nervous system dis-regulation wired into my DNA.  The smallest of things could potentially set me off down a road of almost panic all day long.  I like to coin my panic attacks “silent panic attacks” because outwardly I function for the most part, but inside I’m like a pin-ball machine, with my attention pinging all over the place, heart racing and overwhelm to the max.

Recently I’ve been on a journey to get super grounded in my body… like never before.  This requires a lot of self love, slowing down and doing things differently.  My main goals are to becoming super grounded and focused, intentional in all aspects of my life and to land softly into my feminine more often.  I honor and embrace my masculine, it has picked me up in the darkest days, it has sustained my family and sometimes it is down right badass and fun!  But it’s now time to find balance between the two.  Honoring both sides of me.  Wholeness means loving both.

Some things I am doing to be more grounded:

Morning meditation

Eating organic food from the earth

Intentionally slowing down

Letting myself drop the ball more often

Going with the flow instead of micromanaging

Movement (working out, walking, dancing)

Nervous system actives… humming, singing, saying mantras, tapping, etc.)

What do you do to get grounded?  Have you ever actually felt it in your body???

I have a new lens on life...

With a professional photography background and being the owner of @theloftstudio.photo, my transformation comes with a lot of parallels and analogies from photography… stories about perspective, focus, reframing, and seeing life through a new lens.

My life drastically changed after my late husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

✨ I had to shift and reframe my perspective in ways I never imagined were possible.

✨It has been a constant work, expanding my skill set of creating with light and shadow, learning contrast through fear and love, pain and joy, heartache and peace.

✨Learning to compose the best image of what is happening to me and my family.

✨Deciding which lens to view my life from, bringing into focus what truly matters most.

When we first start a skill, like learning photography, we often don’t see the full picture or understand how to get the results we want.  When I first started meditating to gain peace and clarity, I felt like a rookie in many ways, I fumbled around, trying to learn to create the focus I wanted for my new reality.  Trying different lenses for a variety of views. Focus, click, repeat.  The picture didn’t always come into clear focus.  I’d play with the shadows, dig deep, I’d lean in and trust the process.

Ultimately I’m creating a new picture, finding the purpose in the pain, and enjoying the process of creation, capturing a beautiful life full of meaning and love after loss and unimaginable trauma.

I love it when my friends join in on my journey.  I don’t claim to know it all.  But I do have a lot to share from my heart.  I’m in process, like a good piece of film takes time to fully develop. I love to share before breathwork classes, share my story, and what I’m learning currently.

Your story and your process matters to me.  Come gain perspective on life at @theloftstudio.wellness as we dive into Breathwork, sound healing and more.

✨Picture the possibilities

✨Get a new lens on life

✨Let’s explore the possibilities together

I was staring up at the night sky with my son,

He was standing right next to me.  Like an ode to the summer nights that will soon fade.

Out of nowhere I suddenly felt this SURGE of grief hit me.  His dad is no longer here!  His AMAZING dad!! The kind of dad who would drop everything to spend time with his kids!  The dad who never put anything above his family!  The kind of dad who’s energy was larger than life, humorous and full of love!  How are my kids even surviving this?!

HOW CAN THIS BE?! It doesn’t seem real!?!? It’s as if I JUST got the news! And yet… it’s been almost 4 years.  I don’t know how to describe it but it’s like I was able to peek into my sons heart and feel the silent aching and longing for his dad… a distant and quiet call that is almost invisible to the outside, but all through his body, down to his very cells.

To the world, he’s as calm as can be, well-centered and thriving….but in that moment, it was as if time doesn’t exist and I could see into the pain of his experience and how it’s embedded in his DNA…and yet how he’s managed to move forward despite the gaping hole in his heart.

This young man, now getting taller than me, so gracious in his circumstances, so upbeat.  What a warrior!!!

Then the anger comes.  When I think of how my kids don’t have their dad here.  It starts to swell within me.  My anger almost SAVES me from the engulfing waves of sadness that overtake me if I think about how my kids must feel at times. And yet, how they bravely move through each day.

I don’t care that it’s almost been 4 years…talk to anyone who’s lost someone and time is an F-ing ILLUSION.

Just like the stars in the sky, our loss is sprinkled throughout our souls.  It’s part of us now, it changed our chemistry, the way we view life, the way we breathe.

There were many things that I told myself I could never do…

Until I had to face one of the hardest things that I will ever face in my life.

Together, my late husband and I faced challenges that could make you or break you. Nathan was such an amazing example of strength and perseverance during the cancer journey. He often used the “It’s mind over matter” quote.  His courage has given me the strength to adopt his mindset.

Going into 2020 as a new widow, and the pandemic just starting, I knew I had to change my mindset in order to not only survive, but thrive. I couldn’t have a victim mindset. I needed to choose a winning attitude.

Like most, I had the mindset I could never face losing a loved one, especially my husband…And yet I did.  This was the catalyst to facing other difficult things with strength and conviction.

Before my husband passed, I told myself I could never learn to operate a boat or learn how to surf… But after facing some of the hardest things in my life, those became a “cakewalk”.

My fear level dropped, and my determination increased.  My fear didn’t disappear but I had grit to face it.

I told myself from a young age that I would never be a runner, and that I had bad knees… But after watching Nathan persevere with surfing behind our boat, even though he had neuropathy in his feet… I determined to become a runner. It really is mind over matter. And yep, I’m a runner now.

Our fears are here to teach us something and the more we are willing to face them, great lessons are learned, our confidence increases and we get to step into pure badassery.

What difficult things have you faced that you are proud of? Let’s hear it! 👇👇👇

My confrontation with western medicine, trauma and PTSD lead me to mystics

My discovery of "mystics" and metaphysical modalites cracked wide open at the onset of a very concrete and realistic diagnosis of Stage 4 cancer for my husband. I've always been a spiritual person, but facing life and death brought a whole new reality to the meaning of spirituality. It was no longer arbitrary. While I couldn't necessarily measure the mystical approach, it was still tangible results in helping me stay grounded in an otherwise turbulent time.

While western medicine was shoving their science down our throats (quite literally for Nathan), we knew this journey was SO MUCH BIGGER than a physical healing journey.

I'm not going to waste my time harping on western medicine, because everyone can believe what they want to believe. I am actually grateful for the practices they did that extended Nathan's life, and I see their place in the big picture, but in the end.. it didn't keep him here, it was a deficit too big to repay to his body.

I do belive there was so much more we could have explored holistically and energetically for his healing. I also do believe we all have a destiny window of when we pass from this life and it was part of his plan to move to the "next phase" of exisitence.

As he was on a journey progressing to transitioning this life, I was on a journey of healing my emotional trauma, grieving, working on my inner world and beliefs around life and more, which doesn't end there... PTSD, anxiety, depression all culminate to effect our nervous system and our bodily functions as well.

After Nathan passed, I knew my top priority was to keep my mind and body uber healthy. After all, I am now the only living parent. My kids need me more than ever. And my quality of life is everything to me and to them.

Through the experience of taking care of Nathan, going to countless chemo sessions, surgeries, taking over the duties of the home that he could no longer do, my body would go into panic attacks, fight or flight mode. Luckily, my good friend Audrey O'Brien introduced me to some simple breathwork that literally helped me calm my nervous system and bring me back to a state of rest. But it didn't stop there, because that is more scientific. The mystical side started to open up to me...I started to sense my connection to the "other side", my intuitive hits became stronger, my reasoning and understanding of WHY this was happening to my family because much more clear.

The science behind breathwork is acutally very affirming to me. I love it and geek out on it whenever I can consume more information. But the mystical and metaphysical side of things that are "unexplainable" are what have sustained me in the toughest times I've ever experienced in my life.

Passion much?! YES! 10000% YES! I've seen myself evolve from a shell of a woman just days after loosing Nathan, to not only surviving, but THRIVING. This isn't something I was born with. It's something I created with determination. I do believe we are all born with inate gifts and that I was prepared for this journey, but I could have chosen a different way of experiencing it. I have been determined to make an amazing life of what I have left of mine.

The mystical and spiritual side of things has amplified my mental health and healing through trauma.

I do believe some day we will be able to measure these modalities more accurately. For now, it doesn't matter to me whether it can be measured. If I feel empowered, positive and moving in a direction of healing, I'm all in.

What kick-started your journey in the mystical or metaphysical world? If you haven't tried it, why?

How could I imagine my scars or my wounds to be the fertile soil for new life, new growth and a rebirth of self?

In the midst of our struggle, we may only see the scar or the wound. It may seem dark and uncertain.  We may wonder if anything good will come of our circumstances.

I remember in the bleak early days, just after losing Nathan to cancer, I wondered if I would ever have peace again, or days filled with joy, let alone a “normal” day.  I felt completely numb and broken.  I couldn’t see beyond the pain or “the scar”, if you will. It seemed as though all hope had died along with my lover.

How could I ever imagine my scars or my wounds to be the fertile soil for new life, new growth, and a rebirth of self?

When we plant a seed, ground has to be broken.  It has to be buried deep within the shadows. It needs to take root, because any surface level planting would be futile for its long lasting effects.

When we plant a seed, we don’t see the immediate results.  As it germinates, we may find discomfort, movement of energy, but not really understand what the end result will be.

In some instances in life, we may not even know that we have planted a seed, we just know that the soil has been broken and we may see our wounds as a mistake that can never be repaired.

But then, the miraculous occurrence starts to bud, and we can see that there is so much more to the story. The wound is not the end.  The scar is not the final chapter in the story. The broken earth is not the end goal that the Master Gardener has planned for us.

As I started to look closely at my scars, my wounds, I started to examine them in great detail. They were so gaping and painful that it was all I could focus on.

As I did this, I started to see the inner workings and a greater purpose starting to bud from what I thought was the end of my story. But this is just the beginning…the buds and blooms are starting to appear.  The wound and the scar was just a chapter, a pivotal chapter, a necessary chapter for my progression and growth.  But the rest of the story is now unfolding in full color, texture and form.

The "After Effects" of Breathwork

If you’ve tried Holotropic or 3 part breathwork (aka intense breathwork)…What have you experienced AFTER the session, the day after or even several days after?  Folks, I wish I could say it’s all bliss, but when we dive deep into our subconscious beliefs, we often have to clean up the mess afterward.

We all know that every breathwork session will bring up different emotions and so every experience is varied.  What have you felt after a session? Bliss?  Raw emotions?  Depression?  Clarity?  A feeling of being grounded and present in your body?  Light and floaty?  Energized?

I, for one, have experienced most of the emotions named above…and more.  I had a client reach out to me this week.  She was brand new to Breathwork and was shocked at how amazing her experience was.  In the coming days, she started to feel more depressed and low energy.  This surprised her.  She figured it was up from here!

I reminded her that healing isn’t linear and that integrating our new findings means there are often days or weeks of feeling our $h!t in order to move it and finally release it.  She felt she was slipping back instead of moving forward.

Ahhhh, I’ve been there many times!  Feeling like things get worse before they get better!

I compared it to deep cleaning your closet.  You have to take everything out of the closet and it literally makes a mess of your room first… it looks WAY worse before it gets better.

I told her it’s like she took a bottle opener and popped the lid on something that hasn’t been exposed for some time, or ever.  It may bubble over for a moment, there’s going to be movement to those negative emotions that have been stored deep down inside.

I gave her some gentle breathing techniques to help her move energy, re-energize (as she feels low energy currently) and suggested grounding in her body by going outside, feet on grass, movement, asking her body what it needs, and most definitely talk therapy (with a friend or therapist).

What emotions have you experienced after Breathwork and how have you worked your way through those?  What has surprised you after a session?

Once we touch our subconscious beliefs, a ripple effect starts. It creates movement, the negative emotions don’t just simply vanish, they need to moved somewhere and sometimes the only way out…is through.

I was standing on a ledge....

I was standing on a ledge, a second story balcony with no railing. Even though it was a second story of a cabin, it felt like I was at the top of a skyscraper peering down into the ocean. The water was dark, yet settled. I noticed that other people had jumped before me, with little to no effort. They were beckoning me to come with them. I looked to see that I had a life jacket on. Yet, the thought of jumping THAT far into the deep unknown of those waters was slightly terrifying. I remember seeing the platform on the first level, that it was much bigger than the one I was standing on, so not only would I have to jump from way up high, I would also have to make a concerted effort to jump beyond the platform and into the depths of dark, deep water. My fear of heights and water culminated into a request from the Universe that would be a heroic effort from me. I remember feeling that it was doable, but it would take some proverbial “cojones” to get the job done. It was a bigger jump than I had ever taken before, but if I didn’t…

I would stay where I was. And eventually that place would wither and rot. What was behind me was a sliding door into a cabin. No, not a cozy cabin with a fire lit in the fireplace… it was infested with bugs and small rodents... and the inside of the cabin was even darker than the deep blue ocean. I could stay in this “safe” place a little while longer…. But it would eventually bug the hell out of me… Literally.

It was time for me to jump, instead of stay “comfortable”. It was time for me to catapult myself into the next place. It wouldn’t be easy, it would make me face my fears, but I remembered my life jacket and my friends who went before me and I made the plunge.

I then woke up from my fascinating dream. I had asked my angel for guidance the night before…to help me with a pretty significant decision I am about to make in my life. I told him he could tell me in a dream… and he delivered.

What was the result of my jump? To be continued I guess… I woke up after I jumped, or in the middle of my jump. It’s a faith walk… or faith leap, rather. I don’t think I was supposed to see the end of the movie so-to-speak. It would take the faith part out of the equation. The biggest knowing I gathered was that the supposedly “comfortable” place I was in, was slowly going to close in on me and become pesky in my life. I knew that even though I needed to step out into the unknown, that there was something greater beyond it. My friends successfully had made the jump. I had a life jacket so I knew I would be safe, yet I hesitated on my abilities to jump far enough to get me beyond the lower platform, and I dreaded the thought of sinking into the black ocean for even a few moments. The alternative was to stay back,not make the jump, and slowly be taken over by infestation.

Sometimes we think where we are most comfortable is the place we should stay. Our comfort level dictates us whether we realize it or not. The soft sheets under our skin in the morning while we hit our snooze button instead of getting to the gym. The hot shower instead of the cold pellets brazing our skin. Staying right where we are in relationship or in business that may not bring us what we ultimately desire. Our comfort is sometimes even involved with PAIN. We keep the pain and discomfort because we are used to it. We are comfortable with our KNOWN, so much more than taking a risk in the unknown. The question is, what will be the results of our staying in our comfort? We may think we will stay in comfort, but eventually it will become excruciatingly uncomfortable there too. Growth is always the answer, taking the leap, even if we have to calculate it, think over it a bit first, will ultimately land us in new waters. We can’t just leap at any or every decision and hope for growth, but when life hands you a cliff, an ocean and a life jacket, you asses if you want to live big, with a little discomfort to get there, or stay small in your comfortable ways. As for me, I’m going to take the leap.

Written and copyright by Jessica White. xoxo